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Posted by 00-Babs on February 9, 2011 in AUDIO, Feature, Social Views · 39 Comments

My fellow citizens, it is a pleasure to announce my intention to run for political office. I know what you’re thinking. She wants to go get her share of the national cake. Well why not? Am I not Nigerian? I have a green passport and a voter’s card. Besides I also have a sweet tooth. I could kill for cake. Wait a minute I did not own up to murder, so don’t you dare use that statement against me. If I were to stand before you and say I do not intend to dip my fingers into Nigeria’s bank account, my dear electorate that would be blatant dishonesty. I do not wish to build my campaign on lies. I present to you my three point agenda.

Firstly I shall combat Global warming. What did you say? Oh you think it is not a priority. I am a servant leader so please suggest something else. Relax people one at a time. Okay the lady in Red you may speak. Outstanding, please give her a warm round of applause. She says I should tackle the health sector. She wants more hospitals with quality equipment. Now everyone please pay attention I shall prove to you why that is not where Nigeria should invest her resources.

Statistics say Nigeria has a population of over 150million. Do you see the problem? Not yet? I’ll explain. It is really simple; we are over populated. Nigeria does not have the resources to take care of us all. Please do not interrupt me. I invited you here so just listen. Yes we have the black gold “crude oil” but do you know how heavily we spend taking care of Mr. President? Or catering to the wants not needs of your Senators?  Need I mention your Governors?

So you see it is in the interest of Nigeria that the infant and maternal mortality rate rises. People must die for the greater good. My dear citizens you are at the bottom of the food chain. I am Nigeria I shall not fix your hospitals. Be a martyr jor. Don’t be a sissy pants do it for Nigeria. Moving on yes, the man in the black suit, you look sensible. Let’s hear your suggestion. Another beautiful question, he wants the educational sector improved. Well sadly you are also off the mark. Of course I know our children perform woefully at Waec and Jamb. Yes most of our university graduates cannot pull off a sentence in proper English.

I am shocked at your ignorance. It is all part of the grand Nigerian master plan. Don’t you know Education is the key to life? If I spent Nigeria’s resources on making sure our schools were up to scratch, which youngster would agree to be my political thugs? Who would steal ballot boxes on my behalf?  Suddenly they will start speaking big grammar and before you know it they will become model citizens. I’m sorry but that will not work. Our youths must remain ignorant for Nigeria’s sake.

Did someone say Insecurity should be addressed? Who said that please stand up. No one is brave enough right? I thought as much. I shall address that issue I am after all here to please you all. Nigeria cannot afford to pay your police officers a sensible salary. Like I said earlier taking care of your political office holders is our 1st priority. Only a foolish policeman would risk his life on his current pay check. You all need to stop nagging. Help yourselves. Buy a dog, get a maiguard, you may even employ any vigilante group of your choice.  Opc, bakassi, whatever you like, please feel free.

As for corruption, I know someone is going to mention this so let me save you the trouble. It is the least of Nigeria’s concerns. You dear citizens should know better than to ask for its eradication. Go on and pretend you have never taken a bribe from a politician. Pretend you have never bribed a Lastma official. Pretend you do not enjoy that tip I give you, when you break the law on my behalf. So please stop making noise all over the place. It is in Nigeria’s interest that corruption thrives.

In fact dear citizens I just realized this manifesto is a waste of your time and mine. It is none of your business what I intend to do while in office. I came to ask for your votes, and the truth is even if you vote for my opponents your votes shall not count. However I know if I scratch your back you will scratch mine. We are Nigeria. So please come forward and collect your fat envelopes. I know that you will be very happy with the contents. Thank you for your votes. Long live Nigeria.

Written by *Jazz*  Follow on Twitter @MsJazzyfied   Please please leave a comment Thank you very Much

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A graduate of Mech Engr from UNILORIN. Works and lives in Lagos.
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