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Posted by 00-Babs on February 9, 2011 in AUDIO, Feature, Social Views · 39 Comments

My fellow citizens, it is a pleasure to announce my intention to run for political office. I know what you’re thinking. She wants to go get her share of the national cake. Well why not? Am I not Nigerian? I have a green passport and a voter’s card. Besides I also have a sweet tooth. I could kill for cake. Wait a minute I did not own up to murder, so don’t you dare use that statement against me. If I were to stand before you and say I do not intend to dip my fingers into Nigeria’s bank account, my dear electorate that would be blatant dishonesty. I do not wish to build my campaign on lies. I present to you my three point agenda.

Firstly I shall combat Global warming. What did you say? Oh you think it is not a priority. I am a servant leader so please suggest something else. Relax people one at a time. Okay the lady in Red you may speak. Outstanding, please give her a warm round of applause. She says I should tackle the health sector. She wants more hospitals with quality equipment. Now everyone please pay attention I shall prove to you why that is not where Nigeria should invest her resources.

Statistics say Nigeria has a population of over 150million. Do you see the problem? Not yet? I’ll explain. It is really simple; we are over populated. Nigeria does not have the resources to take care of us all. Please do not interrupt me. I invited you here so just listen. Yes we have the black gold “crude oil” but do you know how heavily we spend taking care of Mr. President? Or catering to the wants not needs of your Senators?  Need I mention your Governors?

So you see it is in the interest of Nigeria that the infant and maternal mortality rate rises. People must die for the greater good. My dear citizens you are at the bottom of the food chain. I am Nigeria I shall not fix your hospitals. Be a martyr jor. Don’t be a sissy pants do it for Nigeria. Moving on yes, the man in the black suit, you look sensible. Let’s hear your suggestion. Another beautiful question, he wants the educational sector improved. Well sadly you are also off the mark. Of course I know our children perform woefully at Waec and Jamb. Yes most of our university graduates cannot pull off a sentence in proper English.

I am shocked at your ignorance. It is all part of the grand Nigerian master plan. Don’t you know Education is the key to life? If I spent Nigeria’s resources on making sure our schools were up to scratch, which youngster would agree to be my political thugs? Who would steal ballot boxes on my behalf?  Suddenly they will start speaking big grammar and before you know it they will become model citizens. I’m sorry but that will not work. Our youths must remain ignorant for Nigeria’s sake.

Did someone say Insecurity should be addressed? Who said that please stand up. No one is brave enough right? I thought as much. I shall address that issue I am after all here to please you all. Nigeria cannot afford to pay your police officers a sensible salary. Like I said earlier taking care of your political office holders is our 1st priority. Only a foolish policeman would risk his life on his current pay check. You all need to stop nagging. Help yourselves. Buy a dog, get a maiguard, you may even employ any vigilante group of your choice.  Opc, bakassi, whatever you like, please feel free.

As for corruption, I know someone is going to mention this so let me save you the trouble. It is the least of Nigeria’s concerns. You dear citizens should know better than to ask for its eradication. Go on and pretend you have never taken a bribe from a politician. Pretend you have never bribed a Lastma official. Pretend you do not enjoy that tip I give you, when you break the law on my behalf. So please stop making noise all over the place. It is in Nigeria’s interest that corruption thrives.

In fact dear citizens I just realized this manifesto is a waste of your time and mine. It is none of your business what I intend to do while in office. I came to ask for your votes, and the truth is even if you vote for my opponents your votes shall not count. However I know if I scratch your back you will scratch mine. We are Nigeria. So please come forward and collect your fat envelopes. I know that you will be very happy with the contents. Thank you for your votes. Long live Nigeria.

Written by *Jazz*  Follow on Twitter @MsJazzyfied   Please please leave a comment Thank you very Much

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A graduate of Mech Engr from UNILORIN. Works and lives in Lagos.
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39 total comments on this postSubmit yours
  1. Hilarious,painful,humiliating,shameful but true… The change starts wiv me; and you too. Nice piece isi.

  2. I’m always first y? Lol! Which party do u represent? *now waitin 4 my envelope* great post

  3. Hahaha ela! I’m not! I wanna b VP by d way

    • ok told jazz already and since u'r the vice then ..My Vote = Ur envelope Shikena 🙂

  4. ?ic?

  5. 9ce piece , we really shouldn’t waste our time pointing fingers and look inwards – ? change starts wiv U????? *for doz dat wnt ? change dt is*

  6. Well written once again! Gotta love…

  7. This is good! ilike! Keep it up! Nice write up! Kudors

  8. d bitter truth. No, d obvious truth(one nigerians seem not to care for)! Though they(politicians) speak out nonsense about 16 point agendas n such, their main ‘agenda’ z wot u summed up with hilarity; personal gain wit no care about d welfare of d people!

    Great article Isi! Ur writing skills continue to impress me


  9. Kai…we shall survive sha n I shall vote 4 u 🙂

  10. Jazz na truth be dis joor…I’m gonna vote for you joor…*now calling my relatives*..we wuld vote for you joor…Thumbs up dear

  11. Insiteful as usual…keep going…

  12. Haha funny but revealing great stuff jenny

  13. Wow me i vote for anybody with my interest in his or her head >…Interest=my money i know when u enta u go forget me

  14. When is this sister going to stop…Not anytime soon i guess ..well you hav my Vote

  15. I ? it, I ? you, I will vote for you, if u appoint me senator of money and works :p

  16. I ? it, I ? you, I will vote for you, if u appoint me senator of money and works :p

  17. That waz a rather insightful and witty post.. But this is Not the Nigeria we want.. With the alarming rate of corruption amongst our youth, I can do nothing but worry for Nigeria’s future.. It’s up to some of us, and Jazz, to save Nigeria from calamity…

  18. Beautiful piece..its sad that this the reality we face.also the electrical aspect.they won’t give us 24hrs light solely because they want to continue receiving money from generator importers.:( sad, very sad

  19. This I like,I like very d concept.

  20. I like. Sarcasm, satire and irony works for me. Thank u

  21. “Please do not interrupt me, i invited you here so just listen” Lol!!! Great write-up as usual…

    Just seriously asking… “is there any sign showing that Nigeria is gettin better?”

    …Anyway who cares? So long i receive my fat envelope. *smh*

  22. No vote for you
    Wow what more can i say to another wonderful post from jazz ..
    well i dont hav a twitter id yet but sure will follow when i do……
    God Bless you

  23. am always late sha ..but its better late than neva …."Thumbs up "

  24. SARCASM!! The weapon of the poet! I am awed by your display, Isioma and I must say one day there will be an explosion and all of this will be over!

  25. Great piece of work…..u wld not believe i was thinking of wen naija will get der on ma way to work this morning, there is no point wasting our time again>>>>THE FUTURE WILL SPEAK FOR ITS SELF

  26. Funny! Sad but true…register vote and do whatever…they wud still manipulate errfin..but I won’t for u sha…Nice one

  27. I luv the fact you created a drama-like piece without even the use of reported speeches,plus it’s hilarious!! Seriously though,try coming out for a political position in future and this post will hunt and haunt you!!! Lol. The sarcasm works thrillz me… Nice one,Isi.. Really nice!!

  28. Its d painful truth bout d nigerian system. At ds point I think we shld help ourselves n let God help those experiencin bigger problems

  29. Choi!!! Jazz O!!
    *on my knees! Will U marry me?

  30. Excellent write up.

    This just brought me to tears; “Don’t you know Education is the key to life? If I spent Nigeria’s resources on making sure our schools were up to scratch, which youngster would agree to be my political thugs? Who would steal ballot boxes on my behalf?”


  31. Babe u don craze o! Nice PUN.

  32. @shadenonconformist I am humbled by ur comment, when I wrote this article my only wish was that people would get the message behind it. I am passionately Nigerian and our current system shames me. I do blive Nigeria has no choice it must get Better.

  33. @Hugo Yes I’ll marry u 🙂 @Kay U can be my vp @Kblewin You summarized the message behind dis article. Thank you

  34. @OmoNaijagidi and @Mike Yes the future will be better, our generation will not settle for ignorance. It is up to us to force this change and take nigeria where it needs to go.

  35. I would Like to Thank you all for taking the time to read this. I cannot express in words the emotions I am feeling. God bless u all.

  36. nice *clapping*.< keep it up>

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