Getting ready for the D-day, just took ma santa suit to the drycleaners,cannot bliv those guys overcharged me,those stupid ibo boys they are not smiling at all o.
Anyhoo to all ma naija peoples i am sorry but i no dey reach una side dis xmas,yesterday i send three of my elfs to niger\delta to just check out wats happening and to count the houses i have to go to, omo na only 1 come back alive ooo na today person call me dey demand for ransom buh me i no dey negotiate with terrorist so den go wait tire.
Ok i talk say make i reach lasgidi.Omo e no easy ooo,lagos girls they form abeg kai.I asked one girl wat she wants for christmas,with confidence and swagger she talk say this year she want BBpin but next year make i try send am the blackberry bold,omo i they try tell am say the two dey come together oo,before i know her right hand don dey move for my face wetin i just they hear na “pls santa talk to the hands,talk to the hands jor,u dont know anyfin,wateva” nna i just weak.
I talk say make i just cruise around lasgidi cos easter bunny tell me say the place no be dullin place…I dey on top my reindeer ithey cruise they feel like chairman but i sha dey see say some planes no they move again then just they move small small, omo in like 1min time one guy just they ma side they shout”Cold pure water,buy cold pure water” anoda one show o they shout “Gala gala santa buy your gala no they dull,gala here”..i look left i see obasanjo for hin private jet they rap to “Eminem-Love the way you lie”, i look right i see one pastor they groove alanta…..i just tire.
After the whole lagos debacle na hin sickness hook me i sha rugged am reach hospital any which way nothing they happen.I reach hospital na hin den tell me say doctors they on strike as i hear dat one i know just know wetin enter me i start to they swear for yoruba “ahhh oloshi,oloriburuku,weyre”..I had to go find the nearest babalawo.
Ok my last stop that was the north,haha i don already kack up,d ma beards well,i don spray perfume,i was feeling fly i never knew the day was going to be horrible.
Na so i enter north i dey shout ho ho ho up and down na hin some hausa men grab me,omo con see interrogation.
Kai i be christian abi i be muslim?
i first weak i talk say mallam me i be santa.omo see slap d aboki tear me one confirm slap i start to they see Allah wey dey laff.
I be muslim abi i be christian?
ah ah i be santa na..the guy tear me anoda slap dis time i start to they see devil,devil being they cry for me..
Omo den almost use my reindeers do suya oo omo na hin i start to they quote koran for there ah i no fit shout.
Naija na no go area i no dey reach there this christamas abeg……jor ooooo
HO HO HO Merry christmas…………
Written by Ikenna Krimkid Lupe Ezeh
follow @ @krimkid1