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Someone please slap that monkey

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This title is super exciting; please applaud my genius, because even if this article flops I get an A for creativity. Yes thanks a lot; I assure you I am taking a bow. Alright welcome once again, did you miss me? Abeg do not answer that, I am not ready for heartbreak. I’ll just pretend you did, it is easier this way. What you don’t know cannot hurt you. The first thing you need to do is for me is flex your fingers. When we’re done I promise you, you will be slapping a lot of monkeys. In other news I do not in any way endorse violence. So please do not fight with your monkey. Pull a hit and run. Slap your monkey and take off.

To avoid stories that touch, let me briefly define the term monkey. A monkey is a medium sized non human primate. Do you own a monkey? No, well I’m sorry you just lost your chance to engage in this lovely game of assault. My word you’re actually disappointed. I dub thee, Rambo!!! That was the official party line PDP POWER!!!! Now this is how Isioma defines a monkey; that person in your life that thinks through their underside aka buttocks aka anus. Nigeria is full of monkeys. You dearest readers are probably monkeys to someone else. So also prepare your face for that random slap.

I have tried to analyze this monkey syndrome. I considered several options; could it be genetics, conditioning or just plain old witchcraft. I’ll go with witchcraft. Yes I strongly believe being a monkey is a spiritual affliction. Why else would a normal human being lack all semblance of common sense?  Dear monkey (nod if you’re a monkey) is it by force to open your mouth. If you must open your mouth please yawn instead. My biggest pet peeve is an uninformed mind. Notice how my creative juices are running amok. I’m on fire men. By the way I could have said turn off but I am not a director in an adult movie, so no sexual innuendos are needed here.

Let’s get serious for a here little while, I know I am the village joker but this monkey business is a very serious matter. The worse part of this situation is that, your monkey is usually the most vocal bystander in your life. Yes bystander, your monkey never offers to lift a finger to assist you through life’s hurdles. They never contribute anything remotely meaningful. They sit by the corner, itching to tell you what you’re doing wrong. Will they offer a solution? Dream on. If they did by all means send me a dozen monkeys. I am the perfect zoo keeper.

This is the 2nd month in 2011. For your information we have let our monkeys run wild for too long. I find that in this month of love there is no better way to show love than to lovingly “Slap your monkey”. There is no reason why you should put up with that annoying primate. If a person’s soul aim in life is to bring you down, why in heaven’s name would you let them shovel poop on you? Smell the coffee, oh sorry this is Nigeria, smell the akara. I’m on my knees; I love you and would hate to hear you died from “Bad belleism”. Who will read my masterpieces if you croaked?

At this point I shall now proceed to cover my sexy butt, please read the next sentence carefully. Disclaimer: this writer is not responsible for any injuries that may result from “Operation Slap your monkey and is in no way in support of animal cruelty” That said, you and I deserve much better, monkeys belong in the forest and not your life. Do your bit for mother earth. Go green. Conservation is the way forward. Kick your monkey out of your life and into the jungle. Your life will thank you for it. Good luck and God bless.

Written by *Jazz* Follow on twitter @MsJazzyfied and please leave a comment
Art source

A graduate of Mech Engr from UNILORIN. Works and lives in Lagos.

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